Health

Old School Exercise

When my wife and I lived in Charlotte, we resided in an apartment complex that had a gym within a short walking distance from us. It’s a good thing too; I mean, the gym is important, but walking to get there? Why don’t I just chop some wood and bale some hay while I’m at it? Anyway, we did our best to spend at least 30 minutes in the gym each day. It was nice to get a good workout, and it made us both feel better.

When we moved back to Pensacola, we both wanted to get back into a gym before we got out of the habit. Unfortunately, there were a couple of obstacles that stood in our way:

• We don’t live in an apartment complex that has a fitness center.
• We’re living on a tight budget, so a monthly gym fee, although possible, would be tough.
• We’d have to drive to the closest gym, which is about a 15-20 minute drive away. This means more money for gas, and more time.

We also tossed around the idea of buying a good aerobics machine for ourselves, like an elliptical machine. But either of these solutions were going to be burdensome, perhaps overly so. We didn’t know how we were going to pull it off.

Yeah, I’m bored with talking about that. Let’s commit a horrendous writing faux pas, and change the subject entirely, shall we?

One of the challenges of our new home was keeping our yard looking nice. Lawn care has never been my favorite activity. As a teenager I found every excuse known to man to escape it. As an adult, I don’t have to make excuses. I just say “I don’t want to. You can’t make me. I’m bigger than you. Go ahead and tell the neighborhood association. I’m a renter, so there.”

Either that, or I hire an ignorant boy to do it for pennies. The biggest problem with this is that most kids don’t have their own mowers, and even if they do, they don’t drive, and if they do drive, their prices are probably too high, and if they’re not too high, then they must have stolen the vehicle so you can’t trust the little thieves anyway. So what do you do? Siphon gas from their tank to recover your expenses, that’s what you do. Also, we decided to pick up a cheap mower.

Now, I may not like lawn care, but I’m not about to pay some kid to be the first person to use my shiny new toy. No sir, I’m going to have the first mow, then I’ll pay him to be the second person to use it.

After I finished that first mow in the light of the evening dusk, I sat down, had a refreshing glass of ice water, came inside, relaxed for a few, rinsed off, and enjoyed the remainder of the evening. I felt good. The stress of the day had drained into that shiny new machine of mine. It reminded me of the way I felt after we worked out in our old apartments.

Then I started thinking about some of the older, wrinklier people in my life. How many old people do you know that keep up a garden? How many old men do you know who stand proudly on their front porch with their fancy morning mugs of coffee, admiring the beautiful green lawn they’ve worked so hard to cultivate? I always thought that was stupid. I mean, who cares if your grass is green? What good is it in the grand scheme of things? They must know something that I don’t. I remember one of those strange, pruny people telling me once that they did it to stay active. Stay active? Why don’t you just join a gym!?

Let’s think this through a bit.

Imagine for a moment a hard-working family man named Gordon. Gordon wants to climb the corporate ladder and make it big some day. But it’s not easy. His job is very stressful, and when he’s at home, he has to do all kinds of things to help around the house: lawn care, the occasional home repair and plumbing chore, garbage duty, and all the odds and ends that his loving, beautiful wife needs help with. Life is rough, and Gordon is growing weary of it.

Flash to five years later. Gordon has won his bosses favor and has gotten several promotions and raises. He’s invested his income wisely, and is now quite wealthy. Life is getting easier, and now Gordon is ready to treat his wife and kids to a better home, better schools, better everything. Gordon’s new home comes complete with a servant staff. His wife can stop slaving over the stove and laundry, his kids will be treated like royalty, and everyone can wine and yell at the servants for a change. As a bonus, Gordan can stop worrying about the lawn care, the occasional home repair and plumbing chore, garbage duty, and all the odds and ends that his loving, beautiful wife needs help with. Finally, Gordon can relax.

Another year passes. Gordon and his wife are getting ready for bed. Gordon’s wife is sitting in her evening chair, trying to look into the mirror, but can’t see around Gordon’s fat behind. “You know”, she says, “you’ve really started to let yourself go, Tubby.” This is not good. Gordon can’t lose the admiration of his wife. Besides, he really is going down hill. Not only is he gaining a few unneeded pounds, his health is declining too.

So what does Gordon do? Join a gym? Fool! Why join a gym, when he can buy one and have it installed right in his own home? Fancy weight lifting systems with eighteen seats, 500 pulleys, and more stackable bars than a Pez® dispenser; exercise bikes, elliptical machines, stairmasters; Gordon has it all at the snap of a finger, and a personal trainer to boot. Yes, life is awesome, and soon Gordon will be quite awesome himself.

Now let’s stop and examine our hero. Every day Gordon spends at least an hour in his personal gym, getting himself all tone and trim for his missus. Meanwhile, his servant staff takes care of all the necessities of life that keep Gordon’s household going: Lawn care, house repair and plumbing, garbage duty, and all the odds and ends that his loving, beautiful wife needs help with. Gordon doesn’t have to worry about that rubbish anymore. Instead of lawn care, he has his stairmaster; instead of house repair and plumbing, he has his elliptical machine; instead of garbage duty and all the odds and ends that his loving, beautiful wife needs help with, he has his weight machines. And what does he have to show for all his gym time? A beautiful six pack, Baby, what else?

It’s astonishing how we’ll pay others to do our yard work, clean our pools, and keep our houses in order, then we’ll turn right around and pay for exercise equipment or gym memberships so that we can stay in shape.

I’ve decided to mow my own grass and do my own yard work. I’ve decided that I like it after all. It’s a good workout, I don’t have to drive anywhere to do it, I save money because I don’t have to pay a monthly gym membership fee, and I save even more money because I don’t have to pay someone else to mow my lawn. It’s an all around winning decision. I may not be old, but I’m getting older. Parts of me are starting to get wrinkly, but I won’t get into that. At any rate, I need to stay active too.

Now if I can only eliminate that whole walking behind the mower thing…

© 2006 Tilted Symmetry.