Behavior By Design

Silence: It’s What’s for Breakfast

There was a time in my life when I felt that talking with most people was a waste of time. I’ve always been a quiet person, generally speaking. I’ve found that people, in general, usually can’t stand silence. I think most people think that if they don’t talk, they’re not interesting. If no one is talking, music should be playing. If you’re quiet, people might think that you don’t like them. This used to bother me a lot. It didn’t make me any more talkative; I was just aware of this phenomenon, and it made me uncomfortable and nervous.

What people usually chit chat about is, in itself, of little value. I’m not talking about meaningful discussions, like “what should we name our next child” or “what can we do to reduce heart disease”. I’m talking about the idle chatter that you normally hear, like “the weather sure has been crazy” or “my latest and greatest achy body part”. Why do I want to know about your sinus headache? What do I look like, a proctologist?

But in the past years, I’ve discovered that there is something that simmers subtly beneath all this crazy talk, a gentle undertone that vibes between its participants. Talking with people about gobbledy-gook is about much more than what it’s about; much more than what is said. It’s about sharing, connecting, spending time, and investing energy in others.

What’s the point in asking “How’s your elbow”? You’re here, aren’t you? You’re using you’re arm, right? Do you want me to kiss your boo-boo and make it better? Then why don’t we save ourselves some time, dodge some brain drain, and move on to something a bit more stimulating than watching dust collect, shall we?

But if you leave it at that, you’re missing the point.

There’s actually much more to these mind-numbing, shallow topics. Sometimes people don’t know what they share in common, and they may not have anything in common at all. These simple dialogues serve as a neutral starting point, a safe place to warm up. And more than that, they express a kindling interest between their participants. When I talk to you about the weather, I might actually be saying, “I like hanging out with you.” Gestures like that mean something to people. When I say “how’s your arm today”, I might actually mean, “I care about your well-being. I’d like to see you get better.” When I ask you how your infected rash is feeling, I might actually need therapy, but that’s beside the point.

Shallow topics serve as a good starting place when you don’t know where to start. Whether your meeting new people, or reconnecting with old ones, they’re great conversation kindling, and they often lead to deeper, more interesting subject matter. Even when they don’t, they’re a good way of expressing love or care towards people, which is always a good thing. They’re the beginning of making new connections, and keeping the old ones strong.

Still, after all that, not much has changed with me, at least as far as appearances go. I’m still usually the listener. But my reasons for this are drastically different than they used to be. I used to prefer silence because I didn’t understand what the value was in communicating with people that didn’t appear to have anything in common with me. Now I know I have more in common with many people than I realize, and that even when I don’t, I still have plenty that I can give to them (besides lunacy and plague, of course). But while I’ve learned so much over the years about communicating with people, I’ve also learned an awful lot about the value of listening.

My uncle always says, “A still tongue makes a wise head”. When I hear a wise person speak, it’s like money is being handed out. If someone is pulling handfuls of money from their pockets and throwing it in the air, I’m not going to interrupt them. I’m not a fool, I’m going to try and catch as much of their money as I can. Preferring the sound of your own voice when wisdom is being spoken, wisdom of any kind, is like stopping a philanthropist from throwing his fifties and hundreds around so that you can pelt everyone with nickels and dimes. Stop it, that hurts!

One of my favorite books has always been the book of proverbs in the Bible. Here’s a few morsels that anyone can chew on.

“He who answers before listening - that is his folly and his shame.” Proverbs 18:13

“He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.” Proverbs 13:3

“Gold there is, and rubies in abundance, but lips that speak knowledge are a rare jewel.” Proverbs 20:15

“Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” Proverbs 29:20

And possibly my favorite:

“Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.” Proverbs 17:28

Yeah, that one hits home.

There are so many misunderstandings today, and it’s almost always because someone hasn’t taken enough time to listen to what the other is saying. Make it a policy to listen a lot longer than you think you should, and when you’re sure you’ve listened long enough, listen some more. Keep your lips tightly sealed together, and your tongue content in stillness. And then when you’re finally as sure as you can possibly be that you understand the one speaking, just keep on listening. You’ll probably quickly discover that you were wrong, again. More times than not you’ll find that you’ve gained valuable understanding that you wouldn’t have had otherwise, and if you had jumped in any earlier, you might’ve made a fool of yourself.

People are almost never going to do or say what you think. I don’t care if you’re Nostradamus, it takes time, patience, and most of all, an attentive ear, to understand your family, coworkers, friends, and enemies. If you think I’m wrong, chances are you’ll always believe that, because it takes listening to penetrate the fog in your head, and you’re not going to listen if you don’t agree that listening has value, so the fog will never clear, so you’ll never listen, so the fog will never clear, so you’ll…someone slap me, please.

Understanding is the most valuable commodity you can trade in. I learn to live my life by this one simple principle more and more each day, and it’s never betrayed me. Good listeners become good thinkers, and good thinkers become good leaders. If you talk too much, you’re going to miss out on an abundance of knowledge that those around you will gladly share. So shut up and get some smarts. You’ll never go wrong by listening.

© 2006 Tilted Symmetry.