It’s not easy for two people to completely agree on anything, much less matters of an eternal or global nature. What can be even more difficult, especially these days, is to get two people to talk about something, anything important, that they don’t agree on. There’s too much personal baggage invested in these issues to risk looking wrong or foolish, or even worse, to be forced to admit to your own potential error.

Here’s a few things to remember when confronting the opposing party:

1. Be patient. Only fools give up and walk away.

They think it makes them look like they understand something that no one else does, or that it makes some sort of irrefutable point. The truth is, walking away can be a sure sign that you no longer have the ability to defend your position.

2. Be prepared for the possibility that you’re wrong.

Even on the issues that are most important to you. The most important issues are the ones that you should be the most ready to be wrong about, because staying wrong could have dramatic consequences. If you’re wrong, it’s much better to know about it ASAP.

3. Remember that you and your position on an issue are not the same thing.

If your position winds up being weak, that doesn’t mean that you’re weak too.

4. Fight with your opponent, not against him.

Sound like the same thing? It’s not. The best debates are the ones where both parties are arguing their positions with a singular goal of getting to the root of the matter, even if it means they are wrong. The best teams are the ones who can disagree without being in disarray.

5. Winning a debate when you’re wrong is evil and destructive.

It’s like eating poisoned food because you don’t want to insult the cook. Except you’re the cook. If the food is giving you diarrhea, the polite thing to do is to warn others not to eat it.

6. Finding out you’re wrong is a victory.

No one likes being wrong. Being wrong is a failure to be sure, but only a small one. The truth is, everyone is wrong way more often than they are right, even if they don’t want to admit or realize it. So finding out that you’re wrong is a much greater victory than being wrong was ever a failure, and it’s an opportunity to celebrate. Unless you choose to hide it, to bury it, to continue being wrong for the sake of looking right. There aren’t very many travesties more grotesque. You discovered an error, now you can correct it. This is an incredible opportunity, and anyone worth your time will celebrate with you.

7. Never argue with an ignoramus.

This is someone who ignores any and all valid arguments you might make, or otherwise has a total inability to understand them. I sympathize for the latter case, but in either case, this is a bad situation to be in. Sooner or later one of you, probably the ignoramus, is going to get emotional and make a scene. This is a difficult situation to get out of without looking like an idiot yourself. Better to back out before it gets to that point. My father always said, “Don’t argue with a fool. People might not be able to tell the difference.” Between you and the fool, that is. These arguments are a complete waste of energy, and are often harmful to both of you, as well as for anyone who is observing.

8. Don’t act like an ignoramus.

If someone makes a valid point, admit it. Don’t pretend like you don’t understand, or that the point isn’t as valid as the maker thinks. If the point is valid, admit it. If the point is a knock out, commend its maker for it. You’ll get far more respect from pointing out your opponents strengths than from dismissing them, and you’re likely to be treated in kind. Pretending that a good argument is worthless, is only going to make you look like a fool to anyone who is wise, and it will do harm to anyone who isn’t.

9. Respect your opponent’s speaking time.

A good debate is as much about sharing and consideration as it is anything else. It’s okay to interrupt occasionally, but don’t do it very much, and be sure to show ample consideration for your opponents arguments. They’re not likely to listen to you if they don’t see you listening to them. The most persuasive people on earth not only know how to structure a solid, logical argument; they also listen generously, and give time kindly and abundantly to their opponent. This approach will turn most opponents into friends and allies, who will listen and often wind up agreeing with you if your argument is good.

10. Know when to stop talking.

This one is similar, but it’s about being respectful of your opponent’s listening time. There’s something to be said for the elevator pitch concept. Learn to make your arguments as short and concise as possible. When it’s your turn to speak, don’t ramble endlessly. Your words will quickly melt into a gel of meaningless babble, and no one will understand what you’re trying to say, much less agree with you. Build your point and work towards a finishing point. The shorter your argument is, the easier it will be to grasp. More people will listen and understand. Moreover, you’re likely to be given the floor more often if people know that they can trust you to be respectful of their time.

If everyone held truth to be more important than anything else - more important than being right, more important that looking good or smart, more important than not feeling embarrassed - debates would be much shorter, much more effective, and much more meaningful and fulfilling. And I’m talking about the real truth, the one you don’t know all of; not the notions and ideas that you’re convinced are true in your own mind. Just like the designer has to learn not to get too attached to his designs, or the architect to his drafts, we would all be much better off if we would learn not to get too attached to our own concepts, and embrace the idea that the world around us is probably much more beautiful and inspiring than our tiny little minds could have ever imagined. The more you push on the box around you, the bigger it will get.

What people usually chit chat about is, in itself, of little value. I’m not talking about meaningful discussions, like “what should we name our next child” or “what can we do to reduce heart disease”. I’m talking about the idle chatter that you normally hear, like “the weather sure has been crazy” or “my latest and greatest achy body part”. Why do I want to know about your sinus headache? What do I look like, a proctologist?

But in the past years, I’ve discovered that there is something that simmers subtly beneath all this crazy talk, a gentle undertone that vibes between its participants. Talking with people about gobbledy-gook is about much more than what it’s about; much more than what is said. It’s about sharing, connecting, spending time, and investing energy in others.

What’s the point in asking “How’s your elbow”? You’re here, aren’t you? You’re using you’re arm, right? Do you want me to kiss your boo-boo and make it better? Then why don’t we save ourselves some time, dodge some brain drain, and move on to something a bit more stimulating than watching dust collect, shall we?

But if you leave it at that, you’re missing the point.

There’s actually much more to these mind-numbing, shallow topics. Sometimes people don’t know what they share in common, and they may not have anything in common at all. These simple dialogues serve as a neutral starting point, a safe place to warm up. And more than that, they express a kindling interest between their participants. When I talk to you about the weather, I might actually be saying, “I like hanging out with you.” Gestures like that mean something to people. When I say “how’s your arm today”, I might actually mean, “I care about your well-being. I’d like to see you get better.” When I ask you how your infected rash is feeling, I might actually need therapy, but that’s beside the point.

Shallow topics serve as a good starting place when you don’t know where to start. Whether your meeting new people, or reconnecting with old ones, they’re great conversation kindling, and they often lead to deeper, more interesting subject matter. Even when they don’t, they’re a good way of expressing love or care towards people, which is always a good thing. They’re the beginning of making new connections, and keeping the old ones strong.

Still, after all that, not much has changed with me, at least as far as appearances go. I’m still usually the listener. But my reasons for this are drastically different than they used to be. I used to prefer silence because I didn’t understand what the value was in communicating with people that didn’t appear to have anything in common with me. Now I know I have more in common with many people than I realize, and that even when I don’t, I still have plenty that I can give to them (besides lunacy and plague, of course). But while I’ve learned so much over the years about communicating with people, I’ve also learned an awful lot about the value of listening.

My uncle always says, “A still tongue makes a wise head”. When I hear a wise person speak, it’s like money is being handed out. If someone is pulling handfuls of money from their pockets and throwing it in the air, I’m not going to interrupt them. I’m not a fool, I’m going to try and catch as much of their money as I can. Preferring the sound of your own voice when wisdom is being spoken, wisdom of any kind, is like stopping a philanthropist from throwing his fifties and hundreds around so that you can pelt everyone with nickels and dimes. Stop it, that hurts!

One of my favorite books has always been the book of proverbs in the Bible. Here’s a few morsels that anyone can chew on.

“He who answers before listening - that is his folly and his shame.” Proverbs 18:13

“He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.” Proverbs 13:3

“Gold there is, and rubies in abundance, but lips that speak knowledge are a rare jewel.” Proverbs 20:15

“Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” Proverbs 29:20

And possibly my favorite:

“Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.” Proverbs 17:28

Yeah, that one hits home.

There are so many misunderstandings today, and it’s almost always because someone hasn’t taken enough time to listen to what the other is saying. Make it a policy to listen a lot longer than you think you should, and when you’re sure you’ve listened long enough, listen some more. Keep your lips tightly sealed together, and your tongue content in stillness. And then when you’re finally as sure as you can possibly be that you understand the one speaking, just keep on listening. You’ll probably quickly discover that you were wrong, again. More times than not you’ll find that you’ve gained valuable understanding that you wouldn’t have had otherwise, and if you had jumped in any earlier, you might’ve made a fool of yourself.

People are almost never going to do or say what you think. I don’t care if you’re Nostradamus, it takes time, patience, and most of all, an attentive ear, to understand your family, coworkers, friends, and enemies. If you think I’m wrong, chances are you’ll always believe that, because it takes listening to penetrate the fog in your head, and you’re not going to listen if you don’t agree that listening has value, so the fog will never clear, so you’ll never listen, so the fog will never clear, so you’ll…someone slap me, please.

Understanding is the most valuable commodity you can trade in. I learn to live my life by this one simple principle more and more each day, and it’s never betrayed me. Good listeners become good thinkers, and good thinkers become good leaders. If you talk too much, you’re going to miss out on an abundance of knowledge that those around you will gladly share. So shut up and get some smarts. You’ll never go wrong by listening.